Learning To Be Dependent

      Independence is something that I've always prided myself on. To me, independence means strength, it means that I am sufficient for myself and that I cannot be easily hurt by others. Growing up my independence was both a defense mechanism and a quality within myself that I admired. I believed that dependence was a weakness, a type of failure. With all of this as part of my experience and my basic belief system, I have lived the last 20 years trying to distance myself from deep, meaningful connections with others, seeking instead ways to support myself. 

      While this worked to a degree for a while, the Lord began cracking these basic beliefs over the summer. Through various conversations God revealed to me how my independence was inhibiting me from forming a lot of real, vulnerable relationships. My independence was making me lonely. I leaned how while I looked for authenticity in relationships I also fled from them because they terrified me. I liked my safety net of independence. I liked being able to only project to others the parts of my life that I had control of. 

      After reflecting on all of this a friend then challenged me to ask myself if I was pushing God away in my independence like I was with so many others in my life. That hit home. I realized that whenever I had struggled or suffered thus far I tried to figure it out on my own before I even thought about taking it to God. Dependence on God has always been an afterthought or a last resort. I have never been dependent on him like I probably claimed. My identity in my independence has been detrimental to my relationship with God. 

"I believe that one of the chief characteristics of our sinful nature, or "flesh" as it is called in most Bible translations, is an attitude of independence toward God. Even when we know and agree that we are dependent on Him, we tend out of habit to act independently."

                                                                                                                                                   - The Discipline of Grace / Bridges

      Going into this semester I thought I had learned this lesson and could move on. I felt in control (which I now realize maybe should have tipped me off) and I felt like my relationship with God was in a good place. But God wasn't done teaching me to be dependent on him. And while I'm still not done learning, it's only now that I'm beginning to get some perspective on the past five months. Being completely honest, the semester thus far has easily been some of the hardest two and a half months I've experienced. As I'm writing this I can't really believe it's been that short of a time. There has been so much hurt, suffering, and brokenness that has come to surface in my life and in the lives of those dear to me. I have felt little rest and have been so emotionally exhausted I have forgotten much of what life felt like before this semester. 

      There have been many moments of sheer fear and anger and sadness. Moments where all I could do was call out to God in desperation. Moments where I felt so out of control and so much like a failure that my only option was to be entirely dependent on the Lord. And while I always came out of those moments comforted, I also always continued to feel at odds with myself. I prayed desperately that this season would end so I could go back to my life in control. My life where I was the Christian filled with joy, put together from the outside. In the last week however, I've learned that the mark of a mature Christian isn't the ability to be in control of one's life; it's failing over and over again, going back to God again and again in compete and utter dependence. So while the process has been and will probably continue to be painful, if it brings me closer to God and makes me more like Christ, that's something to praise God for.

      I haven't been failing as a Christian this semester. I've been failing as an individual and growing as a Christian. And as much as I'll fight it for the rest of my life, I would rather be a Christian than an individual. Because as a Christian I have the freedom to be dependent and I have the freedom to be vulnerable with others in Christ. If I am completely falling apart but God is holding me together, sanctification is happening. God is teaching me that rather than through my own independence I am strong because he is strong and that while I am not sufficient for myself, he is always sufficient for me. And day by day I will continue to learn to be dependent on him. I will continue to praise him for doing whatever it takes to bind my stubborn, independent self to his greatness. 

      Through this season God has been extremely faithful in both the sufferings and the blessings of  my life. I would love to share with you how this has played out specifically and I would love to hear how God has been faithful in your life. I've learned that nothing helps me remember to be dependent on him like reflecting on his past faithfulness and praying constantly.

"[Prayer] forces us in a tangible way to acknowledge our dependence on the Holy Spirit. This is true because, for whatever else we may say about prayer, it is a recognition of our own helplessness and absolute dependence on God. It is this admission of helplessness and dependence that is so repugnant to our sinful spirit of self-sufficiency." 

                                                                      - The Discipline of Grace / Bridges

      All praise to God for that. All praise to God.

      And to those who have walked by my side and who will continue to walk by my side in this season, thank you.