This Concept of Home

   

      In light of being completely honest, I felt as though I should share some recent thoughts.

      This in-between living is hard. I am not meant for two homes.

      A year ago I would have told you that Cincinnati would always be my home. The plan from the beginning was to come back. During breaks, for the summer, for grad school, to raise a family, everything. I was terrified to live in a place that would never be home like Cincinnati so I assured myself that moving away would be temporary and for the most part, meaningless. My plan was to move to Georgia, make a few friends, learn a few things, and then come home to the place and the people that would always be my only sense of comfort and peace. Even though I knew that God would be with me through this transition, my security was not in him. I was putting the comfort that a familiar place could give me over the comfort that he could give me.

      Thankfully, despite my lack of true home in him, God was still faithful. While there were moments when being at Covenant was hard, God created a home for me on Lookout Mountain in ways that I could never orchestrate myself.  My first year away was so good and so sweet because in the midst of the hard moments I felt the faithful peace of our God that surpasses understanding so tangibly. It was through that slow process that my new home began to feel like a home in ways that my old home never could.

      Then summer came. Four months away from everything that had become a new familiar to me and back to an old familiar that wasn't quite familiar in the way it was before. In so many ways this summer has been so good (I presume it's God's faithfulness despite my wavering feelings again); but in a lot of other ways, it's been difficult. Living back and forth in two places year-round is not easy. And I don't think I was ever aware of its difficulty until I was in it. I'm in a place now where Cincinnati isn't the home it was before and since I've been gone Covenant also doesn't feel quite like the home it was before either.

      I've noticed recently that the reality of the stage of life I'm in has come to hinder me in ways that I haven't really expected. I expected to be guarded when I moved away. I expected to put up a front, or a fake face, until I found real friends to confide in. I knew what real Christian community was from my high school years and I knew that it could take a while to find that at Covenant. Thankfully, God answered this prayer of mine and I began to slowly peel off the mask that I had been protecting myself with for months.

      What I then didn't expect, was to find that when I returned to Ohio, the mask was back on. I was guarding myself from the people that had always been for there for me. And honestly, probably just because I wanted them to think that I was successful. I wanted them to think that I had it. I'd figured everything out and was on top of all of it (this is far from the truth). I didn't even begin to realize this until recently when I was talking with a good friend who I had always been honest with and I felt uncomfortable. I felt like I could only talk about the good things in my life with her. It was then that I had to make the same confession to myself and to God that I had made in January. I was lonely. This summer I have been surrounded by people that I love dearly, and I am lonely. Moving between homes has made it harder for me to retain a community because every time I leave for awhile I feel the need to present myself just right when I come back.

      So, as I have been processing I've realized yet again that I am still putting my security in places that are temporary and have limits and not in my God who is eternal and limitless. I'm not trusting God to provide a community for me. I'm not finding my identity in him so that I have the confidence to be honest with that community. And I'm recognizing that neither of these places are my true home. My true home is with Christ and I will feel unrest until I am there.

      Moving forward I no longer expect to live in Cincinnati forever. That could happen, and it very easily could not. God is continuing to work in me and provide peace for the opportunities ahead. I'm trying to expect unrest with where I am living for the rest of my life here on earth. And I'm trying to see that God has places for me to be and ways to use me in each of those places. I could still have a lot of life here on earth and a lot of places that will become dear earthly homes to me. But, my true home is with Christ and that is what God will be reminding me to hope in for the rest of my days.

I am meant for one home. We are all meant for one home. I believe that our hearts long for this. And I am earnestly waiting for the day that will be our present.